Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
