i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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