Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
