she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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