What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
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