Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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