Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Someone signed my nipple.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
