Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You dont lie about slip and slides
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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