just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
