i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize