I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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