I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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