You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
