PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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