Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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