I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
