The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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