Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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