My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
