trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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