Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
