Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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