Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
