I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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