So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
