The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
my being single is dangerous.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
