Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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