wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
