well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
