Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
