She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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