It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
