the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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