life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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