I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
