How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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