Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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