Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize