At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
