You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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