i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
