I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
