it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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