And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
