I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just found puke in my bra..
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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