I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
