Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
