Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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