how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
