It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize