she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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