He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Randomize