Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
