I faked an abortion last night.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
