Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
