I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
