it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
