I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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