it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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