If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just googled if crying burns calories
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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