Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
